Are you responsible?
Updated: May 31
Neither men nor women truly take responsibility in the game. Men do the “man dance” around any responsibility and women take on everybody else’s responsibility, thereby accomplishing nothing. Neither their own, nor the persons’ responsibility they took on, as one can never really process someone else’s process. The “man dance” is when a man talks in circles, tells you that it isn’t his fault, simply shirks off his responsibility, or doesn’t show up (mentally, emotionally, physically or spiritually). Men have never really taken full 100% responsibility of their own thoughts/words/actions and have been taught that women will pick their responsibilities and process for them. From the day woman are born, they are raised in the “Man’s world”, where the rules are to fix everything for the people around them: their man, their kids, their bosses and/or friends. So, while the man dances, the woman is overwhelmed by all the other’s responsibilities. This leads to neither gender ever taking responsibility and evolving out of the game.
Next time you go to a BBQ or party that has a bunch of families, watch what the men do and watch what the women do. Women are usually gathered together and by all the(ir) kids and the men are elsewhere with each other not near any kids (usually playing some sport/game or talking sports/news/weather) because they are all already accustom to their partner taking on everyone’s responsibility (including theirs). What happens to the one guy that actually does try taking responsibility? He gets ridiculed by the other men and roped back into the “Man’s Group Agreement” that upholds the false responsibility beliefs for both (Wo)man. Having their egos attacked and feeling “less manly”, they go back to the man group and do what the other men are doing. On the flip side, women take on the responsibility of watching their own kids, their friend’s kids, stranger’s kids, and making sure everyone else is happy because they believe it is their responsibility to do so. On top of this, they get into “Girl Talk” with other women and take on that person’s process because they believe they have to “fix” them or find a solution for them. The circle continues because the other women are usually talking about all the processes they taken on from everyone else around them: friends, family, boss, neighbors, etc.)
How many times have you heard from a girlfriend the following topics or the start to conversations:
“OMG! My husband is so lazy, I had to remind him five times to take out the trash last night, and then I just ended up doing it because he wasn’t doing it fast enough, and I needed to get other things done on my check list, and start the kid’s night routine, heaven forbid he actually changes a diaper.”
“My boss at work is such an a-hole, I swear I don’t know what (s)he does all day long. Then expects me to fix all the mistakes (s)he makes, and (s)he still throws me under the bus. Last week, (s)he sent out the wrong report and blamed me. Now I look like the idiot.”
“Our neighbors never watch their kids, and they are always running around in the street. I swear she expects everyone to watch them. I am always afraid that something bad is going to happen or someone isn’t going to be paying attention while they are driving”.
In the first conversation, the woman, who took on all her husband’s responsibility, and she is now trying to dump that on her conversation mate. She is trying to find someone to “connect” with, someone that will feel bad for her, or is in the same situation as her. The issue is that it creates more co-dependence among the woman and nothing gets resolved. The man is still not taking any responsibility after that conversation and the woman is still taking on everyone’s responsibility around her.
The second conversation starter, the woman, who took on all her bosses’ responsibility (AND took on his process) and is trying to transfer it to the person she is talking too, will never say anything to her boss because of any number of reasons: fear, beliefs, or agreements: Fear of being fired or demoted, belief that it is her responsibility to begin with, she agreed when she took the job that it entailed “ABC”, or simply she is afraid that everyone at work will think she can’t “do her job”. Again, this isn’t resolving anything, the boss isn’t being forced to take their own responsibility and process and is dumping it on anyone he can. And the woman is trying to take on someone’s process and spinning in circles because you can’t process someone else’s process.
The third conversation is more common among woman. A woman judging another women’s actions, thoughts or feelings. On top of that, the woman “believes” she needs to take on the responsibility of her neighbor’s kids because 1. They can’t be responsible to play by themselves, 2. The mom isn’t being responsible enough (aka She should be taking on all responsibility around her) and 3. The dad has no responsibilities. This is a prime example of The Game of Separation at its best when it comes to responsibility. And the whole time the woman talking is wrapping up all the processes she is talking about (that isn’t even hers) and handing it over to another woman making it look like a pretty box with a bow. “Here take this! I am going to go find someone’s else’s responsibility now to take on to fulfill my role as a woman in this game”.
Reality for Women: stop taking on everyone else’s responsibility. It isn’t yours, it never was, and it will never be yours. If you are in a conversation with someone who is trying dump their process or someone else’s process on you, say “cancel, null and void”, and “I don’t agree to this”. While not taking on everyone’s else’s responsibilities, start processing your own (and only your own). If you have a child, yes, this child is part of your responsibilities, but ask yourself, “Is my child old enough to take on more of their own responsibilities, and what are those responsibilities?” Finally, hold men responsible for their own actions, thoughts and words. Period. It is never going to get you anywhere. If you think it will get you to play ball with the “big boys”, or have a deeper connection with a man, it isn’t. And yes, men will continue to find ways to pass their process onto a woman, but don’t let them. If you have kids together, they are both you and your partner’s responsibility. Last time I checked it takes two to make a baby, that doesn’t turn into just one taking care of it when it comes out.
Reality for Men: the time to pass your process off to a woman is over, it was never okay and it never will be okay. Take responsibility for your own actions, words and thoughts. You are capable of doing it, so just do it, and stop hiding behind the “man dance”. Evolve as a man, you must be responsible for yourself and process your own process. It isn’t a hard concept to follow, you just need to get out of the mindset that someone will take on your responsibility and process it for you. Whatever the reason is that you do pass your responsibility off onto someone else, end it. And if you have children, take responsibility for them too. It isn’t rocket science to change a diaper, watch your kids, feed them, or just be there for them. Show them what it looks like when you take responsibility for your own actions, words and thoughts.
How to Evolve: Men and Women take 100% responsibility for their own process and only their own process.